I've had so much fun creating my blog this week and making endless lists of all the creations I want to share. Some are mine and some are those I have found on the blogs I love. There are so many seriously creative people out there! They are all so inspiring. Then again the realization that my spring break is almost over, back to work on Monday, makes my mind wander. I am proud of what I have accomplished this week, but my head is swirling back to the memories of how I spent this time last year. It was a week of romance, discovery, laughter, and love. This time around I have spent most of my time alone letting those memories get the best of me. The butterflies in my stomach that would pop up with every phone call, every text, while I waited for him to pull up, and just seeing him smile at me have been gone for so long. I loved looking over at him and he was already staring. Now when my phone lights up from a call or a text it's rarely from who I want it to be. When I do hear from him my heart races and a smile lights up my face just from the idea that at that moment he thought of me. I always wonder if he has any idea what my life has been like since the day he was no longer in it. Yes, I know speak the truth even if your voice shakes, but I can never find the words to tell him.
Even through all the hurt, tears, and unbelievable sadness I feel.....I do feel courageous in allowing myself to feel and be truthful to myself and every now and them to him. For once in my life I am not going to push that away and put on my strong, independent face because of my pride or worst of all my fears. There is something inside me that says there is another chapter to this story. It may not be the outcome I want, but I have never felt this way before with or without him. There is a reason for that - this I know for sure. Sometimes no matter how much you want for things to happen all you can do is wait. And usually waiting is the hardest part.
"I keep myself busy with all the things I am supposed to do. But when I pause I always think of you."